The Debut of Inside The Ropes!!!
Best of Bulldog
(Originally published May 13, 2003)
Eleven years ago today (depending on when you're reading this, I suppose), my first wrestling column under the name "Canadian Bulldog" was published. It was a silly spoof of the The Onion's Jackie Harvey gossip column, but through the eyes of a 12 year old mark. The column underwent many iterations and appeared on The W, Online Onslaught and World Wrestling Insanity before being retired.
Anyways, here is the very first one -- the overall gimmick is definitely not as funny as it was back then (plus I actually spelled a few wrestler names right!), but at least it's part of history now....
I'm Canadian Bulldog and welcome to the premiere edition of `Inside the Ropes'. It's a look at all the latest backstage gossip and rumors from WWE and the other big wrestling federations. So as my old friend Gorilla Monsoon used to say, get all that good stuff out of the fridge and read on:
This just in! The Intercontinental Title is being brought out of mothballs for a special title defense at WWE Judgement Day! According to BRAND NEW Raw commissioner Stone Cold Steve Austin, two former Intercontinental champions will enter the ring, with another former Intercontinental champion entering the ring every two minutes. That sounds like a surefire recipe for success to me! Who will win the big belt? All eyes are squarely focused on Edge, arguably the winningest I-C champ of all time. Stay tuned! Credit: wwe.com
What's the hottest feud in pro wrestling today? It would have to be the rising tensions between Triple HHH and Big Sexy Kevin Nash! I don't know about you, but I can't wait for these two to tear into each other. Few may remember that these are both former members of the notorious Kliq faction, and so there has to be some kind of history to their infighting. I say, let 'em at each other!
And while we're on the subject of dream matches, who among us WOULDN'T want to see the epic showdown between Bill Goldenberg and Stone Cold Steve Austin? Now that they're both in the WWE, you just know that they're waiting for a big show to put this matchup on. Credit: Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter. For subscription details, visit:
Les Guerreros continue to impress me with their hilarious `Cheat To Win' sketches. Someone sign these guys to a sitcom deal, Pronto!
Speaking of Big Show, rumor has it that he's in BIG TIME TROUBLE for using Rey Mysterio as a baseball bat at the end of their classic Blacklash bout! Vince MacMahon himself told Show that he has to slow down his action a little bit so that tiny guys like Rey Rey don't get hurt in the ring.
On a sidenote, I hope that Rey is all right? That bump he took from Show looked BRUTAL! Credit:a1wrestling.com
Anyone know where The Berserker is these days? Just wondering.....
From the "Where Are They Now" files: Ever wonder what happened to some of your favorite ex-WWE performers, such as D-Lo Brown, Scott Hall, Raven, Justin Incredible and Curt Hennig? They're all wrestling in a new upstart promotion known as TNA:NWA! It's an exciting show run by former WWF mastermind Vince Russo and airs every week on pay-per-view. Rumor has it that their cruiserweight group, known as the X2 division, features some of the best wrestling you've never seen! Credit: Scotsman's Website
Spoiler Alert: Scroll past the next section if you don't want to be surprised.
Mr. America is really Hulk Hogan under a hood!
Shocking, huh? Can't wait to see how that plays out. Credit: ddtdigest.com
Feud alert! Scott Steiner and Test are ready to turn on each other any day now. Remember where you read it first!
What exactly is Eric Bischoff's problem? Why is this guy so bitter?
With the recent wave of wrestling books out there these days, I felt it was finally time to start reading one! So yours truly headed over the used bookstore last week and what did I find? A book called `The Complete Idiot's Guide to Professional Wrestling'! While I'm not a complete idiot, I found the guide to be very helpful. It's written by former WWF manager Sergeant Lou Albano, whom some of us older fans may remember as The Grand Wizard way back when.
Anyways, even though this book was written in 1999, its still fascinatingly relevant today. It's great for picking up insider jargon, history and tips on attending wrestling events. I anticipate many hours on the couch thumbing through this gem!
Item! Although everyone knows that Jeff Hardy was released by the WWE, do we really no why? The scorching hot rumor right now is that he was actually FIRED for drug abuse! While his brothers Matt and Crash Hardy are denying this awful rumor, it would explain his bizarre clothes and face-painting. Credit: ultimatewarrior.com
Finally, let's close out our debut column with a few questions from my fans. Let's open up the virtual mailbag:
Q: With the WWE currently on a nostalgia kick, hiring back Piper, Sable, Goldberg and The Legion of Doom, who will be the next `classic' superstar to return?
A: That depends on which era you're talking about. From the `Federation Years', there's Ken Patera, Bobby The Heenan, S.D. Jones, Kingharley Race and not many others. From the `Attitude' era, you've got Brutus Beefcake, Road Doggy Dog, Billy Gunn, and that fat woman who beat up Alexandra Blayze. From the `Now' era, there's Bryan Clarke, Brian Adams and Adam Bomb.
Q: Do you know where The Berserker is these days?
A: Great question! But I have no idea.
Q: When is The Rock going back to Hollywood?
A: I think he'll be around for some time to come. Remember, last year he told anyone who didn't like the WWF to `Go the F Out'. Plus he's in the middle of a RED-HOT program with Golbderg right now. So I don't think you've seen the last of the Great One.
Q: What's the difference between `gig' and `blade'.
A: Inside the business, those are two very different terms. Blading is an ancient form of making your opponent blade by forcing a razor blade into his head. Sounds awful, huh? They've done away with the practice, using some other form of magic. Gig refers to a concert.
Okay, that about does it for this edition of `Inside The Ropes'. Have any questions? Comments? News? Send it my way. Thanks for listening!