The Best of LETTERS FROM A NUT
About a decade ago, yours truly first made his mark within the Internet Wrestling Community by prank e-mailing wrestlers, purposely misspelling their names and making some pretty ridiculous requests. I even wrote a self-published book on it.
Am I proud of what I did? OH HELL YEAH! Sure, the concept wouldn't work as well today, what with social media and everything.... but it was fun while it lasted.
What follows are some of my favorite Letters From A Nut:
Dear Jim The Anvil Nighthart,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I escorted you guys backstage in Canada during part of the Hart Attack Tour in `94.
My question: You may remember, I was telling you guys at the time that it had always been my dream to start up my own theater troupe. Well... GUESS WHO'S STARTED UP HIS OWN THEATER TROUPE???
My financial backers have suggested we start with an adaptation of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew, and naturally, we thought of you for the lead role (Petruchio).
Not to worry; this would be a "less formal" version of the original script, so you could feel free to improvise the dialogue with your patented wrestling catchphrases. To wit:
TRANIO - And tells us, what occasion of import Hath all so long detain'd you from your wife, And sent you hither so unlike yourself?
PETRUCHIO - Tedious it were to tell, and harsh to hear: Sufficeth I am come - YEAH DADDY - to keep my word, Though in some part enforced to digress; Which, at more leisure, I will so excuse As you shall well be satisfied withal. DA HA HA HA! But where is Kate? I stay too long from her: The morning wears, 'tis time we were at church YEAH, BABY, YEAH!
Anyways, that's just an example. You can improvise any way you want. The way we figure it, our theatergoers (marks) would pay big bucks to see a legend such as yourself doing legitimate theater.
Please let me know ASAP. Our other choice is Buff Bagwell. I'd rather it be you.
HELLO CANADIAN BULLDOG,
YES WHY NOT. GIVE ME A CALL OR MAIL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE PARTICULARS
ANVIL (Phone number withheld)
Dear Mr. Nighthart,
Bad news. I tried contacting you at your home office yesterday, but to no avail. It turns out, our theater's board of directors have voted overwhemingly AGAINST our plan for "Shakespeare In The Park With The Anvil".
For one thing, they opposed the idea of having people perform in the chilly December weather here in Toronto. Also, they don't think you would make a suitable Petruchio. And finally, I've been indicted, which doesn't really concern you, but it helps explain the INSANE situation going on here.
They are now going in a brand new direction: the hit musical "Scherer!", which focuses on the story of a webmaster from Dayton, Ohio. Stuart Stone, star of films such as Donnie Darko and The Boys Club, is set to star.
So I just thought I'd ask you... what's your singing like?
Dear "New" Jack,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) I met you at one of the XPW shows, you called me a "dumb..." well, I can't repeat the rest here in print!
Hopefully, this e-mail reaches you once you are out of prison. They don't have access to Yahoo Mail in jail. Do they?
My question: would you be interesting in making a personal appearance... for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party next month? They were HUGE ECW marks back in the day -- grams actually made grandpa blade one time, but it was all a work.
Anyways, the appearance would be for 30 minutes, tops. You would show up, pose and possibly jump off the upstairs banister (it's not a big drop -- let's be honest; I could almost clear it myself and I'm kind of a wimp).
Then help yourself to a piece of cake and that's it. You could certainly stay longer if you like; we're in no way kicking you out.
So what do you think? Please let me know ASAP. Also, if you need a file smuggled into prison or something - holla back.
Are you a f*cking dumbass or what????
You can't be a worker to ask me some stupid sh*t like that. Give me a f*cking break! And no I don't know who you are, you f*ck.
I don't do weddings, What am I gonna do, jump off of a f*cking balcony onto a cake? What the f*ck?
Well, yeah, for 5000 I will show up and f*ck your mother, you f*ck
Dear "New" Jack,
We only have about 50 dollars in the budget.
Dear The Intelligent, Sensational, Amazing Destroyer,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at a legends show some time back.
My question: I am planning something of an independent supershow later this month in Los Angeles, California and wanted to know if you'd be part of the action.
This will be the first show (in America, at least) where every last competitor will have to be masked! We're tentatively calling it "MaskMania 05". No PPV or anything; this is just a show for the fans to enjoy.
I would be honored if you would work with me in the main event in a scaffold match. I would probably go over, but that part is negotiable. I'm still a pretty damn good worker, if I say so myself.
Anyways, please let me know ASAP. We would love to have the legendary Destroyer on our show.
On a bad day you couldn't win, you can't afford to bring me out there - I might need help climbing the ladder but I can still whip your ass.
Do you know how old I am? Seriously at 74 I'm not ready to get back into the ring. You couldn't get me up on a ladder match for all the tea in China.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Whip my ass? Are you challenging me to a fight now?
As per your request, I don't know if we can get Teo and Chyna booked on the show, but I'll try.
We're so glad to have you aboard for the show!
Dear Rakishi Phatu,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We meet at a meet and greet in LA when you were still employed by WWE.
My question: I am now working as a senior salesperson for Diapers & Stuff Inc. My territory is Southern Ontario and parts of Maine.
We were thinking YOU would be the perfect salesperson for our new line of Adult Diapers given your years of prominence in wrestling wearing a thong.
It would be pretty simple: We'd have our photographers down to wherever you're residing these days, get a few pics of you in a pair of our XXL Dependables (we can't call them "Depends" for obvious legal reasons) and that's it. The ads would be published locally and if they take off, possibly throughout the region.
Anyways, please let me know ASAP if you're available to do this. Our other choice is just a generic sumo wrestler, but I don't think that has "dollar signs" all over it, you know?
Please details. Sorry for the delay.....
Dear Mr. Phatu,
Thank you for agreeing to do this. Essentially, we would be booking a photo shoot on one of them Mexican beaches next month. You would be posing in our "XXL size Dependables" while pyrotechnics go off in the background. It would be state of the art.
Please advise us as to your availability next month, as well as any allergies to jellyfish, etc.
Do you have a website of your company?
Our parent company has a small "web presence" at the following site.
Please let us know if you have any questions/concerns.
D&S "Retailer of the Month", July 2005
Dear Sensational Sherry,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I met you at a WWF TV taping back in the day. Me and my partner Jeb Lund were destroyed by The Powers of Pain. I even ended up in the hospital that night! Remember?
My question: I'm now booking indy shows out of Toronto and we have a GREAT idea that would involve YOU making a special appearance. Here are the details:
On our Nov. 21 show (Winter Warfare '04), you would be managing our tag team champions, Harlem Heat 2004. You may have heard of them -- Brawlin' Buddy Maxwell and Rik Nakamoto. They are one of the best teams in our territory.
Anyways, you would manage them against the challengers The Buschwhackers II (Dave and Jeff), then drop Harlem Heat after they lose the belts. We would have a gimmick that every show you appear at, you'd dump the tag team you're managing!
Also, can you show up at our December 25th event? YES, we realize that's Christmas day. Blame the arena folks.
Anyways, please let me know ASAP if you can make it. You were my favorite manager of Randy Macho Savage, Sean Michaels and Teddy Beassey EVER!!!
Hi Bulldog, it's great to hear from you, please send a picture, bumped my head to many times, haha.My fee is 750.00 plus airfair and hotel, don't forget the pic of yourself, also a pic of the tag teams, please.........Sherri Martel
Thanks for the compliment!!!
I have tried sending you the necessary photos several times (I don't have one of myself; my agent is redoing my 8 x 10 promo pics). However, they keep coming back returned undeliverable from your Hotmail account because of the size of the files.
How about this? I have attached a caricature of The Bucshwhackers 2004 that the two of them often use as promotional pictures at indy shows. I know it's not the same thing... but at least it gives you an idea of what they look like. Please advise me if this is acceptable.
Dear "Boogie Man" Jimmy Valient,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We chatted for about 10 minutes at a show in Memphis a few years ago, then you said you had to "run".
My question: I am kind of in a bind. My company is making plans for its annual Christmas party, to be held at the end of this month.
YES, I realize this is February already; don't blame me! Anyways, we would like YOU to play Santa Claus.
As St. Nick, you would hand out gifts to our children, sing songs and near the end of the show, bodyslam our Chief Executive Officer. It's okay; he's just a mark. That will teach him to hold an Xmas party in February!
Our board of directors selected you because of your uncanny resemblance to Kris Kringle, so we are certainly hoping you can make it to the big bash. Please let us know ASAP, or else we have to go with Xanta Claus instead.
Great hearing from you. Boogie's Wrestling Camp Hall of Fame Museum. Founded in 1992 by Jimmy and Angel Valiant. Open 52 Sundays a year. Please come any Sunday from 12 noon till 4 pm and be our guest. For more info check out our cool web site at www.Jimmyvaliant.com.
Bulldog, since I saw you in Memphis I have retired and shaved my beard off. I would love to do the party but you would have to rent a false beard. My wife Angel and I would have to flown in and you would have to get us a room, plus, my fee would be $600.00 US dollars.
Thanks brother.Love you. Hope to see you soon.
Boogie and Angel
Dear Boogie Woogie Boogie Man,
Thanks for the compliment!!!
However, I did not realize that you've since shaved your beard (those liars at PWTorch.com!). I've just checked our corporate insurance policy, and it doesn't (currently) cover the costs of beard-rental insurance, so unfortunately we're going to have to pass.
But thanks for your interest. If we ever need a beardless Santa, you'll be the first person I think of.
I love you, too,
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