Gorilla Monsoon: Hello, everyone, and welcome to The Retro Rumble! This one has all the making of an instant classic here in Canadian Bulldog's World!
Corey Graves: You've got that right, Gino. We're going to see an incredible FIFTY WWF Hasbro and WWE Retro superstars battle it out in the weeks and months ahead to see which figure is the absolute best in the world!
Gorilla Monsoon: You can cut the tension with a knife! Let's see who our first entrant is....
Gorilla Monsoon: It's Braun Strowman!
Corey Graves: Are you kidding me? The Monster Among Men is the first entrant in The Retro Rumble! I don't envy many people who pick the first position in this massive match.... but if anyone can do it, I wouldn't bet against big Braun!
Gorilla Monsoon: A tremendous pick to start things out. My only question, Corey, is who was in the unfortunate position to draw number two? Let's find out.....
Gorilla Monsoon: It's Virgil! Virgil could win The Retro Rumble!
Corey Graves: Shut up, Sax... I mean, Monsoon! There's no way Virgil can outlast 49 other figures, let alone one in the form of Braun Strowman. He'll be lucky if he can autograph 8x10s in the parking lot of an Olive Garden by the time this thing is over!
Gorilla Monsoon: Virgil's a former Million Dollar Champion, he could surprise all of us. Here we go!
Gorilla Monsoon: Right off the bat, Braun Strowman is taking control, knocking Virgil to the ground with those size 22's right in the kisser!
Corey Graves: Did you expect any other outcome, Gorilla? Virgil is being handled like a rag doll in the hands of The Monster Among Men. Thank you for coming out, Mr. Meat Sauce!
Gorilla Monsoon: Braun is lifting up Virgil off the ground. It's only a matter of time now before the former bodyguard is taken out of this matchup.
Gorilla Monsoon: Braun dumps Virgil over the top rope. But wait! Virgil's feet haven't touched the ground! He's still in the match.
Corey Graves: He got lucky - for now! And the buzzer has sounded. We've got our third entry in the match - it's The Ugandan Giant, Kamala!
Gorilla Monsoon: The big man from Uganda, going after Strowman right away!
Corey Graves: I don't think there are too many guys on this earth that can match power with Braun Strowman, but Kamala may give him a run for his money. Even though this isn't the much rarer moon-bellied version...
Gorilla Monsoon: Will you stop? Kamala, landing big knife-edge chops to Braun Strowman in the corner. It looks like we're about to get our fourth entry any second now...
Gorilla Monsoon: It's Akeem!
Corey Graves: Akeem The African Dream! Braun may be in serious trouble now!
Gorilla Monsoon: The two of them have immediately formed some sort of African alliance, and they've decided to double-team The Monster Among Men!
Gorilla Monsoon: Akeem and Kamala back Braun into the corner. Now they're going to take turns assaulting the big man...
Corey Graves: I don't like Braun's chances against these two!
Gorilla Monsoon: Wait a minute! Akeem missed the charge and Braun was able to capitalize on his mistake. The African Dream is up and over, dumped on his head. Akeem is out! We have our first official elimination!
Corey Graves: By fire and brimstone... that's gotta be Kane! Thank goodness - the Retros are under-represented here.
Gorilla Monsoon: The Big Red Machine immediately sets his sights on Braun Strowman. In the meantime, big Kamala goes to the high-rent district and flattens Virgil with a big splash.
Gorilla Monsoon: Kane is doing his best to choke out big Braun in the corner, while Kamala toys with poor Virgil on the ground.
Corey Graves: Not for long! Kamala has turned his attention to Strowman as well.
Gorilla Monsoon: The big Ugandan has indeed begun to focus on Braun Strowman, as he charges The Monster Among Men.
Gorilla Monsoon: That backfired on Kamala! Strowman used his momentum against him and backdropped the big Ugandan right out of the ring!
Corey Graves: So long, Kamala! But look who's out next - it's the Earthquake!
Gorilla Monsoon: Where do you get weighed when you're that big? The meat scales?
Gorilla Monsoon: Braun Strowman, Earthquake and Kane are staring each other down in the ring. There's literally a ton of humanity in there.
Corey Graves: Wait... it's literally a ton, as in 2,000 pounds? That doesn't make sense, Gorilla!
Gorilla Monsoon: PLEASE! What's going to happen when these behemoths square off? And will Virgil ever get off the mat to mount an offense? Tune in to next week's instalment of The Retro Rumble to find out!
Corey Graves: And if you like what you've read so far... share it on Twitter with the hashtag #RetroRumble for your chance to win a FREE Hasbro figure at the conclusion of this event. See you next week!